Relationships are a vast topic. But I’ll focus on the general version you can think of first.
But let me start with the basics.
It is necessary to introduce relationships and explain this big umbrella very briefly.
Relationships are divided into two. The first are those that occur naturally – for example, kinship. The other is the relationships you create by communicating.
I will try to write it as simply as possible. Things will get a little messy later in the article, so I have to go with reference to the primary example, which I will write about shortly.
We call the exchange that two individuals make with each other. It can be a business relationship; it can be an emotional relationship – at the end of the day, both parties have something to give to each other. As long as both parties are happy at the end of this exchange, we call it a healthy relationship.
If we’ve been clear so far, let me give a metaphor and make it more transparent.
Consider a person with two own farms. One has fruit trees, the other vegetable fields. These two people exchange a case of goods every day. One gives a case of apples, while the other offers a case of tomatoes in return. Another day a case of oranges arrives, a case of potatoes goes.
These two people are delighted with this purchase. Both people give what they have in excess and take what they do not have.
The foundation of a healthy relationship is that simple.
What is not simple?
Brace yourself for a metaphor storm.
No matter how simple the basis is, the part that is not simple is that the fruit and vegetable evaluation varies from person to person. And more importantly, this variability can also gain or lose value by spreading over time.
Imagine you have a small garden – your production is not very diverse. The vegetables you produce are of good quality, but you want the person in front of you to give you a variety of fruits. That relationship will not work. You will either enlarge your garden or reduce your expectation.
For example, you produce a rare exotic fruit, and your partner is interested in it. But you have nothing else to produce. Yes, your relationship will work somehow, but the person you are with may start to procure their tomato and potato needs from other people.
What about love, feelings? Okay, let me get into it too.
“Love” is the photo you take by framing the whole orchard.
You call “love” to those beautiful oranges, sweet pears, and sour apples. There are bound to be fruits you don’t like, but they don’t catch your eye – no orchard is perfect, you overlook it.
Sometimes that person may approach you with the word of an investor.
That person may love the fruits and vegetables in your garden but still say that he does not see a future for them in your garden. In this case, what is called “love” – what the other person will say think about you and It will turn into harmful investment advice.
Do I love this person? Yes, but… After that, “but” is the fact that these fruits and vegetables, which are bought and given in bulk, are weighed on a fragile scale, and the side that is in your favor outweighs. Even if the person thinks that he/she cannot do it mathematically, the inner voice does.
So if everything is so clear – why can relationships get so complicated?
Let me tell you what you might experience;
- A mole has invaded the field. Your beautiful onions and garlic are ruined.
- Some of the fruits in the few boxes that come are rotten.
- Apples that looked very bright and beautiful were tasteless and inconsistent.
- He/she wants you to grow dragon fruit, but your weather is not tropical.
- He/she insists on citrus fruits, but it didn’t rain that year.
Ok, unexpected things can always happen. Shouldn’t individuals in a relationship support each other in such dire situations?
If you have created some expectations for that person, these setbacks will cause you to be intimidated after a while. Especially if you talk about the fact that the mole came from his/her garden, if you say that half of the bananas you bought are rotten – it turns into a fight.
It comes down to not getting what you expect and not being able to give what’s expected. If you’re getting to this point and don’t want to cut this person out of your life, you have to change the type/name of your relationship. If you have a past together, it will be painful for at least one of these parties.
What confuses the issue is the values you put in the fruit/vegetables. Those very precious apples of yours may be very ordinary for the other person. And your efforts to convince the other person how beautiful these apples are in vain.
Unfortunately, we romantics have a severe allergy to commodifying emotions so much. Sorry, ignoring the elephant in the room is the only thing that makes this messy and unbearable.